


Broken Things

by OverTheRainbow2



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-01-29 14:51:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21411982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverTheRainbow2/pseuds/OverTheRainbow2
Summary: “It’s amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.” – Ella Harper
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Comments: 125
Kudos: 390





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read and been so incredibly kind about my recent fic, “What Never Goes Away”. I’m working on a sequel but this little thing just wouldn’t leave me. It will be in four parts and I hope you enjoy it.

Now that he could reflect, it was insane to even imagine that it could ever function, let alone thrive. The folly of trying to build a marriage on such broken and corrupted foundations. His family needed her money. He no longer had any idea what she needed, if he’d ever truly known at all. What he needed, desperately, was the love of a woman who was now denied to him forever. Their wedding had been an elaborate farce. A chamber orchestra, ice sculptures and doves, delivered in baskets with their wings clipped. The perfect metaphor. Babington confessed to him years later, that he’d never seen a more miserable groom. Crowe’s first words to him that day were prophetic, “Did the condemned man eat a hearty breakfast?” Crowe had laughed. He’d said it in all innocence and had meant it in jest. He had absolutely no idea how close he’d come to the awful truth. His vows were a litany of lies which fell haltingly from his tongue. They almost choked him. How he’d gotten past the phrase, “forsaking all others”, he would never know. 

In a delicious irony, that could only be concocted by the cruelty of fate, it transpired that she didn’t have anywhere near the financial resources at her disposal, that they’d all greedily anticipated. It seemed that, like his widow, Charles Campion was no fool. He’d prepared her for a man just like him. A mercenary cad, who’d marry her only to decimate her inheritance. This was what he’d become. What he’d reduced himself to. God, how he despised himself. Campion had placed a codicil in his will. He’d bequeathed Eliza the sum of £50,000, in the event of her remarrying. The rest of his estate was to be held in trust for his nephew. A princely sum indeed for any scoundrel in search of a pay day, but not enough for a desperate, misguided fool to salvage his feckless brother. 

He’d taken £20,000 of it and put £10,000 of his own money into the bottomless pit that was Sanditon. He’d abased himself before Lady Denham, begging for her indulgence to consider this a down payment and allow him to assist his brother to rebuild and restore their mutual fortunes. Babington’s familial connections and inherent decency, had led him to pull together a consortium of investors, who between them, had vouched for the rest. All £50,000 of it. There it was then, neatly wrapped up and gifted to Tom Parker. A man who never felt, let alone understood the devastating consequences of his own actions and who now, through the sacrifice of his brother’s happiness, his hopes and dreams and those of the one he loved more than life itself, never would. 

Three months into their marriage, Eliza had discovered she was with child. The undoubted consequence of a mandatory consummation, achieved somehow in a drunken stupor. A degrading and pathetic encounter, for all concerned. One which he’d desperately hoped to forget. He had not visited her bed since. She seemed pleased with her news, if anxious. He’d discovered that she didn’t have much time for effusive sentiment. In truth, she didn’t have much time for him either. He was window dressing. A bit part player in his own life. They were already existing like strangers. Both in their own ways, hopelessly trapped in this gilded cage. She’d soon grown tired of parading him on her arm like an elaborate reticule, at every society gathering. She was frustrated by his lack of conversation, his absence of humour, his tendency to drift away when she was talking endlessly to preening dullards, about inanities, which though fascinating to her, bored him to the point of desperation. She loathed the imposition of Sanditon into her perfect existence. This dead-end fishing village with its half-baked aspirations and half built properties, it’s rough edges and tedious lack of fashion. He knew her embarrassment extended to his family. She treated them with obsequious politeness at all times, but he knew enough of her to recognise the underlying tone of thinly veiled contempt. 

He was thus conflicted by her news. He had always wanted children of his own. He envied his brother’s little family. Of late he’d dared to imagined his own, with brown eyes and curls. Dimples and the most perfect smiles. That dream was gone now. It would never be. Instead he contemplated the prospect of bringing a child, conceived of nothing more than duty and obligation, into an empty, loveless union. However, the child had played no part in that and shouldn’t partake in the consequences. This pathetic existence could not be helped, any more than it could be altered. He would concentrate his energies on being a loving father to his child. That would bring him some comfort in the interminable years ahead.

It was destined to be a brief contemplation of a hypothetical future. As it was, like so much else in his life, it all came to nought. Eliza lost the baby and had haemorrhaged severely. For a time her survival was uncertain and her recovery was slow. He later learned that this had been her fifth such loss. She had suffered four during her marriage to Campion. If he could not muster love for his wife, he cared enough for concern and sympathy and to be solicitous for her wellbeing. They had spent time in Sanditon during her recuperation. One of the advantages of a back water was that she would be away from prying eyes, questions and polite condolence. Sidney had rented one of the newly built townhouses for them. She found the company of the youngest Parker’s in Trafalgar House difficult at the best of times and intolerable under the circumstances. For once, he understood her.

For a time afterwards she had wanted to try again, despite the caution of her physicians. He’d loathed the prospect of once again attempting a false intimacy with her. It brought to mind his visits to the Boarding House in Drury Lane. These anonymous women he barely acknowledged but used for physical release. These transactional encounters. This distortion of the act of love. Perhaps this was to be his punishment for years spent bartering and profiting from the bodies of strangers. Now he too was to know the agony of becoming little more than a commodity. He also shared the concerns of her doctors and believed it ill-advised to proceed but thought perhaps if he could offer her this, it would at least afford some compensation for all that he could not give her. Even in this however, his traitorous heart had betrayed him. He’d turned to a companion from his darker days, opium. While it served to numb the pain of emotions he could not bear, it also led him to hallucinate. He’d called her Charlotte. They were abed and he had called her Charlotte. If he had to cite the precise moment that all was finally, conclusively at an end, that moment would be it. The look of sheer anger and hatred on her face had been instantly sobering. It matched the abject shame on his own. She had immediately sent him from the room. Not that she needed to, he would not stay. He could not stay. He disgusted himself. He had long felt that with such an act, he was adulterous. Not to the woman he married but to the one who still held his heart and soul. It was only by intoxication and invoking her image, her memory, that it became even vaguely tolerable for him. There was nothing left now of his thin pretence at the role of a dutiful husband. She was strangely sanguine the following day, as she told him how it would be from now on. She wanted him and Georgiana, out of their London residence. There was to be no trace of him left there. He had agreed. He had little choice and even less will to continue with this charade. He would move to Sanditon, to fulfil his undertakings to the investors but not before he put in place arrangements to surrender the remainder of her fortune back to her. He felt it was the least he could do. She offered him no gratitude for his actions and he didn’t seek any. 

He had returned to his brother’s idea of a seaside idyll and had tried to build a life alone. Spending his days, overseeing the building work and keeping a close eye on the project’s finances and his nights, drinking more than he should and sleeping less than was prudent. Georgiana had moved in with Tom and Mary. She had suffered enough he concluded and he would not condemn her again, to Mrs Griffiths and her charges. Some months later he learned from Babington of rumours that his estranged wife had become intimately involved with Lord Alamby. It was causing quite the scandal among the Beau Monde. He genuinely couldn’t care less. The petty gossip and sniping of “society”, had never meant anything to him and if she had found some semblance of happiness with another, he would not deny it to her. None the less, Babington urged him to seek a divorce. It would be protracted and difficult but he would use every resource at his disposal to assist him, if necessary. He considered it but had no desire to drag her through the mud. He had once been painfully deceived by her and he had deceived her in his turn. They had inflicted such terrible cruelty upon each other. That cruelty had not been confined to them alone. What good would it do to inflict more? To label her an adulteress, to destroy her, when in every way that mattered, he had never been true to her. In a more just world, she could have divorced him on any number of grounds. No. He would not play the injured party now. 

Thus the days grew into weeks and the weeks to months. Soon it was over a year since he last saw the woman he married and two since he’d said a final goodbye to the woman he loved. He knew that Charlotte regularly corresponded with Mary, Georgiana and Esther. Indeed, Mary and Georgiana had visited her in Willingden. He often wondered what it was like there. Most probably a typical English country village but to him, he imagined it as a heaven on Earth. After all, she was there. Walking the lanes, breathing the air. Living her life. Without him. There had been several awkward moments with each of the recipients of her letters. They’d suddenly stop talking about her when he walked in the room. They never volunteered information and he never asked questions. Not through a lack of interest but through a crippling fear of hearing that she was unwell or unhappy, juxtaposed with the raw terror of learning that she had found love and was now blissfully content. This conflict was made yet more acute by one simple impediment. He couldn’t bring himself to say her name. Mr Stringer had mentioned her to him on several occasions. He seemed to possess a need to assert his intimacy with her. He also suspected that he desired to cause him pain by doing so. In this, he always succeeded. He respected James Stringer. He admired his talent and ambition but there would always be more than a modicum of enmity and resentment between them. It saddened him that their relationship was thus tainted but he knew it could not be otherwise under the circumstances. So much had been broken beyond repair.

He hadn’t expected her to return to Sanditon. After the agony of their parting, he could not imagine her ever wanting to see the place again. Had he not been there under an obligation, he would never have ventured back himself. She haunted him everywhere there. Even more so than usual. He found himself drawn back time and time again to the places where their love had blossomed and grown and to the place where they were finally torn asunder. He would never believe that their love had died. At least not for him. He lived with it everyday. He nurtured it and cherished it. In his heart, she was with him always and they would never be apart. In Sanditon, she walked beside him, every minute of every day. It brought him both the acutest pain and the most exquisite joy.

This visit was Georgiana’s doing. She had invited her. Later he was to learn of the extent of her reluctance, only overcome by her duty to her friend and the entreaties of those, who longed to see her. All of course but the one who longed the most. Tom and Mary were to hold a ball in the Assembly Rooms to celebrate Georgiana reaching her majority. He feared that Tom had ulterior motives in displaying such largesse to a young woman now in full possession of an unimaginable fortune. The carnage he could cause with £100,000. He could scarce conceive. He hated that he distrusted his brother so but of late, he had proven himself to be utterly unworthy of trust and meriting of extreme caution. Such was his obsession with Sanditon that he displayed little evidence of sense, let alone restraint. 

She had arrived two days before the ball. Tom had sent his carriage for her. She was to stay at Trafalgar House. The children, who’d always adored her, had missed her greatly. They weren’t the only ones. 

He’d been standing outside, at a work bench, inspecting some plans for the final phase of the terraces, when he heard the sound of a carriage in the distance. All other noises slowly faded away. He didn’t need to turn around to know that it brought the most precious cargo. It was as though he could sense her. The atmosphere changed. His heart began to race and his eyes lost all focus. He tried opening and closing them tightly but to no avail. His legs could barely carry him. His stomach was in knots. The sound was getting louder, she was closer now. Closer than she’d been in years, but never close enough. She would soon be real to him once more. Flesh and blood. Pleasure and pain. Heaven and Hell. Charlotte. His breathing quickened. He could not turn around and yet he must. She would be there. She would be before him. Any minute now. Just feet away. Close enough to touch. The carriage came to a halt and he was paralysed. For a second there were only the sounds of hooves padding against the ground, the horse’s harness jingling. The sound of the carriage door opening. Then Mary’s cry broke through, “There she is! Children! Come quickly! It’s Charlotte!” Their voices blended into one euphoric sound, “Charlotte!” It was like the cry of his heart. He couldn’t move. Why could he not move!?” He gripped the bench before him. He could hear laughter. He could hear her voice. That voice which filled his dreams. The voice of the woman he loved. He had to move! He had to turn around! By the time he did, she was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She’s proof that broken things can still be beautiful.” - R.H. Sin

He felt like such a coward. He watched from his window across the street, as Arthur and Diana arrived at Trafalgar House that evening. Tom and Mary had laid on a welcome dinner for her. He’d been invited of course but had declined. He offered no excuse. Mary had expressed her disappointment in him. She was not naive to the truth. She added, “Whatever passed between you Sidney, she was never cruel to you. Unlike others. If anything...well. Perhaps it is best to be silent on the matter. Surely you owe her enough to be civil?” He considered his response for a moment, “I am not of a mood to be “civil” Mary.” He’d almost forgotten his capacity to be an absolute bastard when he wanted to be. With that, he’d excused himself. As he left, she said, “I do not understand you Sidney. I once told her you had a good heart but now, I’m not sure you possess one at all.” From her, the remark cut deep, but in some ways she was right. He had no heart, for he’d long since given it away.

He didn’t know how he’d pass the next few days until she left. It was torture already and he’d yet to lay eyes upon her. He had to attend the ball. Georgiana was his ward after all. His absence from that event, would be much harder to explain. He had no idea how he’d bring himself to do it. When he thought the coast was clear that evening, he’d skulked to the Denham Arms, the one place in town her absence could be guaranteed. The crowd was the usual assortment of workers, inveterate drunks, random strangers and harlots. He noticed Stringer and Robinson at a table in the corner. They immediately noticed him. He acknowledged them, “Good evening gentlemen.” “Evening Sir,” came the reply with a casual nod from both men. He’d ordered some port wine, sat down at a table not far from them and lit a cigarette. One of the women tried to attract his attention. He waved her away, without making eye contact. 

After a time, the two men began talking much louder than was necessary to be heard above the background noise. Robinson began, “I saw Miss Heywood today. So pleasant to have her back in Sanditon. Pretty as a picture she is too. Always was mind. I’ve no doubt you’ll be paying your compliments to her Jim.” Stringer replied, “Yes indeed. I saw her late this afternoon. She informed me some time ago that she’d be visiting. I do believe, she’s even more beautiful than she was when I last had the pleasure of her company. What man could not delight in her presence? What man could not value her attentions? What man would not prize her above all others? Indeed, I believe she is truly, the finest young lady I have ever met.” He was doing it again. Pushing hard at the boundaries of his tolerance, of his temper. Provoking him. Sidney was seething. He was biting down hard on the tip of his cigarette holder. He could stand it no longer. He rose from his seat so suddenly and with such force that the barmaid passing him, had stumbled backwards in fear. The sound of the chair scraping harshly against the stone floor, silenced the room and drew the attention of those still capable of conscious thought. He moved towards Stringer and Robinson. This dark brooding presence, looming over them. The barman and several patrons braced themselves for what might come next. His voice was drenched in anger, as he looked at both men with fury before addressing Stringer directly, “Perhaps, Mr Stringer, if, as you claim, you regard Miss Heywood as a lady, you might show her the dignity and respect she’s due and not invoke her name in an ale house. I trust I shall never hear you do so again. Nor you Mr Robinson. If I do, I will not be responsible for my actions. Do I make myself clear?” Both men were shocked and chastened, they swiftly replied, “Yes Sir.” 

Sidney turned to leave, watched by all, with a mixture of curiosity and fear. He’d had enough. In so many ways, he’d absolutely had enough. He shouldn’t be here in this wretched place. He should be with his family. He should be in the company of his beloved. Seeing her face again, her eyes, her smile. Charlotte was mere steps away from him after years of absence from his life and yet here he was. Drowning his sorrows. Being provoked by pathetic, childish behaviour and petty jealousy. He knew that she could never be his in this life, but he loved her more than anyone, or anything in this world. If it was all there was to be hoped for, all that could be achieved, he could give her his complete devotion and care and expect nothing in return. It was a sacrifice he would willingly make. To give his life to her, to honour and protect her, would be enough. It would have to be. 

He couldn’t think straight now. He was so very tired. Exhausted. It was all such a complete mess. He had reached the door when Stringer called to him, “Mr Parker, Sir.” He turned slowly, “What is it Stringer?” “Please accept my apologies Sir. Please believe me, I meant no disrespect to Miss Heywood. Indeed I have the greatest respect for her. The ale loosened my tongue. I can assure you it will never happen again.” He was in no mood for forgiveness. “It had better not, Mr Stringer.” With that he left and made his way back to his residence, slamming the door behind him. In the lamplight, with his head down, he hadn’t seen the figure watching from an upstairs window across the street. He couldn’t see the intensity of her gaze, or the profound sadness, heartache and longing in her loving eyes. He couldn’t see Charlotte.

He hadn’t slept well. He couldn’t remember when he last had. He was awake at dawn and was watching from his window when he saw her leave Trafalgar House, just after 6am. She was alone. Unsurprisingly. She was a farmer’s daughter. Used to rising early. Georgiana was not exactly a morning person. Her hair cascaded over her shoulders, a mass of gentle waves and curls, just as he remembered. He remembered too, the feeling of it, soft against his cheek, as the wind whipped through it on a clifftop long ago. He smiled at the memory. It was one he cherished and longed to recreate. She was simply dressed, in a plain cotton gown with a knitted Spencer to keep out the chill. He wondered if she’d made it herself. Perhaps it was a gift from her mother or one of her sisters. Everything about her fascinated him. He wanted to know every tiny detail of her life. He wanted to put it all together and make this collage in his mind. In all of the finest silks he had ever seen, no woman could be a more beautiful sight than she was to his eyes. She had her leather satchel over her shoulder. He realised that she must be going sea bathing, as she often had before. She cut such a lonely figure as she walked through the quiet, early morning streets. 

He had moved without thinking, without considering the consequences. Before he knew it, he had thrown on his top coat and was following her at a distance. He held back as he reached the beach and then moved towards the dunes where he could watch her unobserved. There were very few souls present anyway at this hour. She walked to a bathing machine and went inside. It moved forward into the water and he waited. From this point on she could not be seen. He tried not to let his imagination to drift to what might be happening inside that little wooden structure. It wasn’t gentlemanly to contemplate it. To think of her undressing. To imagine undressing her. The slow reveal of every inch of skin he longed to discover, to touch, to caress, to worship. He knew how soft it would be, how pliant. It’s smooth rosey tones, in contrast to his own. He closed his eyes and conjured the sensation of her touch, of pressing his body against hers, of the heat of skin on skin. The flex of muscle, the sheen of sweat. The sounds, the taste, the ecstasy. To hell with being a gentleman. He wanted her more than his next breath. He would break his leash for her. He would break the world for her.

He waited until the machine had returned to shore some time later and she finally re-emerged. Her hair looked damp. She’d tied it back off her face. Her eyes were cast down as she walked. She looked oddly pale and sad. He moved towards her. There was no one else around. It was just the two of them. This nervous, desperate man dressed in black, this beautiful, lonely young woman, shivering slightly in the morning chill. These two heartbroken souls. She hadn’t raised her eyes at all, so that when he stepped into her path, she was startled. She looked up in shock, blinking with confusion and took in a sudden gasp of breath. There she was before him and once again, he was lost. She was everything he remembered and yet she was even more perfect than his mind could conjure. What he must look like to her. Unshaven, disheveled. For what seemed like an eternity, neither said a word. Finally, he broke the silence. In a voice he didn’t even recognise, one which sounded more like a whisper he said, “Good morning Miss Heywood.” Her eyes fluttered as though a breeze had brushed over her. Her reply was equally soft and faltering, “Good morning....Mr....Mr Parker. I was sorry you were unable to join us last evening.” “Where you?” “Yes of course”. She was already struggling to maintain eye contact with him. “Tom and Mary were very kind and thoughtful to arrange such a fine meal. I’m sure I do not deserve it.” “I’m sure you do. They have missed you greatly...we all have...” She blushed. In that moment he wanted to fall to his knees. To beg her forgiveness. Dear God he loved her so. She had to see it. She had to know it. He was terrified that she’d walk away. He clawed desperately at the recesses of his brain to find something, anything to say to hold her in place for just a few seconds more, that he might just bathe in the glow of her presence. “I hope you’re well Miss Heywood.” “Tolerably so, sir.” Sir! She was calling him “sir”. Had it come to that? “I trust your family are all in good health?” “They are.” She was giving him nothing. No way in. He shouldn’t be surprised. How he longed for the lively, spirited creature who’d treated their every conversation as a challenge. This was his doing. He’d broken this beautiful, precious soul. In that moment, something inside him died and he felt it’s demise. 

Somehow he persisted, fearful that if he did not, he would never again have the chance, “I see you’re still fond of sea bathing.” He tried a slight smile. She responded in kind, “I enjoy the exercise.” Then she became more serious. “I find it a useful distraction.” “You wish to be distracted Miss Heywood?” “I find it best, of late, not to dwell for long, in my thoughts. Forgive me Mr Parker, I should have asked. How is Mrs Parker?” Her question shocked him. He’d been certain she would know what had transpired. “I’m surprised you are unaware of my changed circumstances, Miss Heywood. Eliza and I are estranged. It transpires that I am indeed ill-suited to matrimony. I felt certain that Mary, or perhaps Lady Worcester, Georgiana or Lady Babington might have told you. Even Mr Stringer. I’m aware that you correspond.” He hadn’t meant that last remark to be an accusation but it still came out laced with his own jealousy and resentment. She looked uncomfortable. “I believe that my friends are anxious to confine their news to that which avoids past sorrows.” She still knew exactly how to pierce his very soul. After a pause she continued, “I am truly sorry to hear of your present situation, Mr Parker. Perhaps there is hope of a reconciliation?” “I’m afraid not. Too much has passed there. Too many mistakes. The outcome was inevitable. I find your integrity determines your destiny.” She gave a wry smile, “You are still fond of Heraclitus I see.” He replied, “I am still fond of the memory he evokes.”

He looked at her with such intensity and she responded with equal earnestness. The very air between them became charged with the tension of the moment. Like a moth to a flame, he was powerless to draw back now, “You remember that day on the river, don’t you?” “Mr Parker. I think it best if we don’t...” “I think of it often. I think of you often Charlotte. God, how I’ve missed you. Every minute of every day.” “Please...we cannot do this.” She lowered her head and moved to walk away. In a flash, he grabbed her arm and spun her around until she was flush to his chest. His heart was racing. Her eyes were wide and her breath uneven. She gasped as he pressed his cheek against hers and whispered in her ear. His lips so close she closed her eyes at the overwhelming sensation of his warm breath and their soft movement against her earlobe. “Forgive my recklessness but I cannot bear this torture. I love you Charlotte Heywood. I loved you then and I love you now...with such passion. I will not deny it. I cannot deny it. Tell me you do not burn for me as I still burn for you.” 

He felt the shudder through her body as he spoke those final words. She turned to look at him. Her lips were moist and so very close. Their breath mingled. He knew she was an innocent but in that moment, he could see the fire inside her ignite. He wanted to be burned in that flame. Suddenly, they were thrown violently from the passionate spell that enfolded them. “Miss Heywood! Well met Miss.” It was Stringer. She whispered to him, “I must go...” She slipped from his grasp. “Good morning Mr Stringer. If you’ll excuse me. I must get back to Trafalgar House. I promised Mary I’d help with preparations for the ball. Please excuse me gentlemen.” With that, she was gone. He felt the loss of her presence like an ache in his chest. “Mr Parker, Good morning Sir”. He quickly composed himself, “Good morning Mr Stringer.” “I must say, you have a remarkable ability to disconcert Miss Heywood sir.” “And you have an ability to continually invoke her name in a manner I find deeply inappropriate. You take too much upon yourself in that regard. You presume an intimacy which you have no right to. I thought we’d had this discussion Stringer. My interactions with Miss Heywood and hers with me, are none of your concern”. “I beg to differ. You spoke last night of the dignity and respect due to a lady. You might care to consider that yourself.” “Mr Stringer I am warning you...” Stringer stepped towards him, “...and I am warning you. I know what you are and I know what you want. Stay away from her. Think of her reputation. You’ll bring her to ruin and disgrace.” Sidney grabbed him by the lapels, “You know nothing about me! How dare you presume...” “I know men like you. Your wife lines your pockets while Charlotte lays in your bed!” Sidney drew back and punched him so hard that Stringer was knocked clean off his feet, blood from his nose seeping though his fingers, on to his shirt and into the sand beneath him. Sidney stood above him, “I should ruin you for that. I should see you on the streets. I’ve fired men for much less cause. It is only Miss Heywood’s regard for you and mine for her that prevents me. You will never address me again, on this or any other matter. Is that understood?” Stringer merely looked at him, still trying to regain his bearings. Sidney left. His blood was boiling, his anger acute and beneath it all, his desire for Charlotte, was never more intense.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Love recognises no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls, to arrive at it’s destination full of hope.” - Maya Angelou.

Tom was waiting to greet Sidney when he arrived at Trafalgar House some hours later. It was not with warm salutations. “What the Hell do you think you’re doing Sidney!?” “Good afternoon to you too brother.” “Don’t be facetious. My foreman has been with Dr Fuchs all morning having his nose reset and if the gossip of the town is to be believed, the injury was acquired by your fist!” “Keep your voice down.” “Or what? You’ll strike me too!” Sidney contemplated the thought. He really shouldn’t tempt him. There’d certainly been times he’d wanted to do just that. “I thought perhaps you’d rather not disturb the women and children. However I forgot your tendency to ignore the feelings of others.” The remark appeared to momentarily disconcert his brother, “They’re not here. The children are at the beach with Arthur and Diana. Mary, Georgiana and Charlotte have gone for their dress fittings for the ball this evening. You are still intending to show your face, I take it?” Sidney was still contemplating Charlotte’s dress fitting. There was quite literally no topic of discussion in this town that could not evoke some painful memory of their past interactions. “Are you listening to me?” “You give me no choice.” “I despair of you Sidney. I really do.” “Drinking, brawling. Your behaviour is not worthy of you. Or the family name. I had hoped you’d finally settled. You had a marriage any man in their right mind would envy...” He interrupted him, “You know nothing of my marriage.” “I know that you’ve abandoned Eliza to the tittle tattle of London society.” “Oh, you know that do you!? What else do you know Tom? Do you know why my blissful union failed? Why I find myself here in this God forsaken sandpit! You seem to know it all! So come on! Tell me!” When Tom offered no reply, Sidney continued, “Do you know that I didn’t love her? That she knew it? That my marriage was a farce designed with the sole intention of keeping your sorry ass out of debters prison? What would that have done to the precious family name?”

Tom was shocked to his core. He said nothing for some time. All that could be heard was the crackling of the fire in the study. Sidney walked towards the model of Sanditon which dominated the room. He broke the silence, “This town, this collection of bricks and mortar, this dream of yours...has been bought at a price you could never repay.” “Sidney...I..” “What Tom? You didn’t know? You didn’t understand? Of course you didn’t. You never do. You need a loan? Sidney’ll go to the bank. He’ll sort it out. You need a few thousand to pay your workers? Sidney’ll get it. He’ll find a way. No questions asked. You destroy the fortunes of your investors with your neglect, Sidney’ll find you another fortune to decimate.” “I bailed you out once!” “Yes you did and dear God, how I’ve paid for it.” “I thought you loved her.” “I thought I did once. I was seventeen Tom. I was a boy. It was the folly of youth. She’s always been in possession of a pretty face.” “Now she is in possession of a fortune too. Is that not enough?” Sidney looked at him in bewilderment, “For the man I was three years ago, perhaps it would be. That man hated the world. He saw women as faithless creatures, fit only for the pleasures of the flesh.” “So what changed?” A soft voice from the hall answered, “Charlotte”. It was Mary. Sidney looked up so quickly, he felt his neck jar from the sudden movement. For a moment he was panicked that she might be standing beside her but she was alone. Characteristically, Mary understood his concern. “Do not be distressed Sidney. Please. She is not with me. She and Georgiana have gone for a walk.” “I don’t know why I should be anxious. It is not as though she is unaware of my feelings.” Mary replied, “...and it is my firm belief my dear brother, that they are welcomed and returned.” “That is both my blessing and my curse Mary. To finally understand, as a man, what it is to love a woman. To have that love returned. Only to have it denied to me. To know that one day, another man will have the life that could have been mine. That should have been mine. While I merely exist, he will live. While I suffer, he will rejoice. All the while, I am subject to the provocations of those who believe that I turned my back on perfection. That I broke her heart, while my own remained untouched. That I acted in my own selfish interests and now I seek to bring her to her disgrace.” 

Tom spoke, “Is that what Stringer said to you?” “What he said doesn’t matter. He cares for her. It is not remarkable that he would. Indeed I find it hard to conceive that there is a soul alive who could not love her. In some ways I deserve his opprobrium. Perhaps I could have found another way. I would have spared Eliza too.” “If the rumours are true, she seems to be doing well enough.” Mary replied “Tom!..” “Well Mary! It’s the gossip of society.” Sidney gave a wry reply, “We know how important the good opinion of society is.” “Do you have to make light of everything Sidney?” Sidney sighed, “Make light of it? You think that’s what I do? If you believe that, you’re a fool. Every now and then, while fate laughs at me, I like to partake in the joke.” Mary was deeply affected by his pain, “Sidney, I am so very sorry. When I think of what you’ve gone through for us. The sacrifices you’ve made. What has been imposed upon you and upon others, I feel so ashamed.” She began to cry. Sidney moved to comfort her. “Oh my dear Mary. Please. Do not distress yourself. My situation is impossible. It was impossible. How could I have looked at you, at the children and lived a life of comfort in the knowledge of your distress. In the knowledge that my brother would never again be a free man. I made my choices. In doing so I must partake of the consequences. My regret is that I inflicted this agony upon others and most of all, on Char...on Charlotte. I must find a way to live with that.” He still found it difficult to say her name, with all of the myriad of emotions it represented to him. 

Silence descended once again before Tom spoke, “Would it be impossible to divorce?” “Not impossible. Expensive and difficult but not impossible.” “Well then. The dogs in the street know that she’s cuckolded you with Alamby.” “Tom! Please!” “My apologies Mary. I shouldn’t be so frank in your presence.” “Never mind that. You shouldn’t distress Sidney so!” “Thank you Mary but I’m fully aware that my erstwhile spouse has found other company to amuse her. I hold no resentment towards either party. Who am I to condemn, when my own heart lies elsewhere. If I were to divorce her, I would ensure her disgrace. She would be rejected by the society she prizes. I would be forced to drag her through the courts, to ruin her respectability and to sue him. In doing so, I would render her an outcast and unable to marry him, should she wish to. Does she deserve that fate from a man who sought to take every penny she possessed and could offer her nothing in return?” “I wish we could find a solution Sidney.” “As do I Mary but I fear there is nothing to be done but to endure.” “I know it’s worth very little under the circumstances but I truly am sorry brother. If there was anything I could do..” “There is Tom. Never make the same mistakes again. Take this opportunity and make something of it. Love and protect your family. Ensure that these sacrifices are not entirely in vain.” “I will do all I can.” “I hope you will.” They heard the front door opening and the sound of Charlotte and Georgiana’s voices. Sidney immediately excused himself and left. Charlotte desperately searched for eye contact as he walked past with minimal acknowledgement but none was forthcoming. He merely said, “Georgiana...Miss Heywood” and kept walking at such a pace that the footman struggled to retrieve his hat before he fled. The look of abject sorrow that fell across Charlotte’s features, broke Mary’s heart. 

The ball that evening was sufficiently grand. Georgiana threw herself enthusiastically into dancing with Arthur, while Sidney discharged his duty as her Guardian. However, for Tom, Mary, Sidney and Charlotte, it was a stilted and largely subdued affair. As he always did, he noticed her the minute she arrived. A vision in pale pink silk taffeta. It would be yet another unbearable night. He decided to make his agony of the shortest duration possible. He danced only with Georgiana and Mary and then politely left. Charlotte danced with Tom and Arthur, then decided to sit out the rest. To her surprise, however, Dr Fuchs asked her to dance. She never liked to slight a partner and was grateful for his kindness. She accepted. After remarking on her look of sadness, which she explained away, as the fatigue of travel, he casually mentioned his surprise that “Herr Sidney” had attended the ball, “Given the events of the day.” Charlotte was confused, “Which events do you refer to sir?” “The incident this morning with Herr Stringer.” “What incident?” “Forgive me Fraulein. I thought you might be aware. Herr Parker and Herr Stringer...erm...how do you say...came to blows. Herr Parker struck him, most violently. His nose was fractured.” “He did what!?” Charlotte had stopped dancing. “I did not wish to distress you.” Charlotte was shocked and furious. “Please excuse me Dr Fuchs.” “Of course Fraulein...” 

She fled the ballroom with such urgency that she’d left her shawl. She ran towards his townhouse and battered on the door with the side of her fist. Sidney kept few staff and had given his cook, maid and footman, the night off. He wasn’t expecting visitors and was seated in front of the fire in his study in his shirt, breeches and boots. He had just drained his glass of brandy. He made his way to the door with a sense of exhaustion. It had been a long day. He opened the door and she barrelled through, moving past him so quickly he was momentarily stunned. She turned to face him, flushed and furious. “You hit him!” “Miss Heywood?” “You actually hit him!? You fractured his nose!” He rolled his eyes, comprehending the reason for her unexpected visit and turned to close the door. “I take it you’re referring to Mr Stringer?” “Are there other people whose nose you’ve fractured today!?” “You take a keen interest in that gentleman’s concerns.” “I take the interest of a friend. Nothing more and nothing less. He’s a good man. He does not deserve your temper.” “You weren’t there! You don’t know what he deserved!” “I’ve seen enough of your temper to know that it is cruel and ungovernable and often unjust!” As she spoke she hadn’t realised that she was moving closer to him and her voice was rising. “Oh! So I’m unjust now?! You think I would strike him for no reason!?” He too had moved towards her and was meeting her increased volume with his own. They were now just inches from each other. The tension was rising once again. To dangerous levels. “I don’t know what you’d do sir! I’ve never understood your character, much less your actions.” “Stop calling me that!” “What?!” “Sir.” “What should I call you?! You are the most confounding, infuriating man I’ve ever met!” “Well perhaps if you’d stop judging me for one moment and give me the benefit of the doubt! Why must I always be at fault!? Has it ever occurred to you that I might have been defending your honour!?” “Mr Stringer was impugning my honour!?” “No..yes..I didn’t like what he implied.” “What he implied?” “Yes.” “...and what was that.” “It doesn’t matter.” “It mattered enough for you to strike him.” “As you say, I have a temper. I’ll apologise tomorrow.” “Why won’t you tell me what he said?” He was losing his patience with this, “Just leave me alone Miss Heywood! You come here into my home, uninvited, to berate me for something you know nothing about! Why don’t you go to your “friend”. I’m sure you can be of comfort to him in his hour of need.” “Maybe I will!” “Good!” “Fine!” “Go then! Get out!” Tears had begun to fill her eyes, “I will!” They stood toe to toe, face to face. Both of them incensed, both of them breathing heavily. Something suddenly changed, shifted, altered irrevocably. It was like that moment when he flicked the reins and his horses moved to a canter. His heart was racing. His anger became something else and he saw the same passion reflected in her eyes. He flicked his glance down her body, dwelling on the rise and fall of her breasts. In his life he’d never been so aroused. He was no longer a conscious being. He was pure animal instinct and he intended to act upon it. Suddenly she whispered, “Sidney”. That was the final spark. Then came the explosion.

His lips crashed down on hers with such force, it took her breath away. She was certain she made a sound akin to a squeak. She was pressed tightly to him. Every inch of her against every inch of him. They were moving, pushing and pulling at each other, until she finally stumbled back against the wall in his hallway. She was clawing at his arms, at his shoulders, at his back. Trying desperately to anchor herself in this storm. His mouth had parted from hers for a second, before descending on her neck. The sensation of his lips, of his tongue. She felt alive with feeling. Her skin seemed to be raw nerves, she felt an awakening in the depths of her body, an ache and urgency which she knew only he could relieve. His hands travelled up her sides, sparking an inner fire in their wake before he cupped her breasts through her clothes. Suddenly every garment she wore felt tight and constraining and she longed for the freedom of release. When his lips finally followed his hands and traced a path to her bosom, her head fell back against the wall and she emitted a moan that seemed to her, otherworldly. That he could do such things, that he could make her feel such things. She was now pure, unconscious instinct. She felt his hand caress her thigh as he lifted her leg, to wrap it around his. She felt as though she wanted to climb his body. To be one flesh, one soul. He tighten his grip on her and emitted a growl as he ran his tongue, slowly, seductively, teasingly, from the centre of her breasts, along her throat and into her mouth. She was shocked but found herself desperately responding. The sounds of their breathing, their gasps and moans filled the hallway, echoing off the walls. He stood back for a second and pulled his shirt out of his breeches and over his head in one swift movement. He flung the fabric to the ground. He was every bit as magnificent as she remembered. His skin, burnished now in the candle light. She looked at him for a moment, with such yearning, tinged with uncertainty, as though seeking permission. They were both panting. He spoke in a voice so deep, dark and rich, it sent shivers down her spine, “You can touch me Charlotte. If you want to....I want you to. I’ve wanted you to so very badly, for so long.” She tentatively replied, “Yes. Yes I want to. God forgive me but I do. I’m so frightened..and yet I...” He spoke tenderly, “Don’t be afraid.” He lifted her hands to his chest. Slowly, she ran them over every muscle, which seemed to flex in response. She wanted to commit him to memory. To burn him into her brain. He moved to lift her up. Her legs wrapping around his waist. He was kissing her again, devouring her. She could feel the sweat gathering on her forehead, the heat of his breath on her skin. She could feel him hard against her. She was losing her mind. “God, Charlotte. I need you.” She responded without thinking, “I love you Sidney.” 

He closed his eyes tightly. He had dreamt of this moment, of these words from this woman. It would be so easy. He was ready, so ready it was painful. He was certain she was too. She was wrapped around him. He could undo his breeches and in seconds, he would make her his. He would make love to her. He would take her innocence...he would bring her to her disgrace. Just as Stringer foretold. What the hell was he doing? He stopped. Resting his forehead against hers breathing heavily. Her mouth reached out to his to be kissed again but he drew back. “What’s wrong? Sidney, what’s wrong?” He responded, “I love you too Charlotte.” She smiled and sought his mouth again. He withdrew once more. “That’s why I can’t do this.” “But I want you to. I want this.” “You think you do now but my darling Charlotte, this act has consequences. I can offer you my heart. It is yours and ever will be but I can’t offer you marriage. If we give ourselves to each other, it could ruin you. Here, now, tonight.” “I would give myself to you gladly. You are everything to me.” This was killing him, “You are everything to me too. I can’t bear to be parted from you but I won’t condemn you to this. A half life”. “What if this is what I want. A half life with you is better than nothing at all!” “Charlotte...” “Don’t give up on us Sidney. If you love me as you say you do...don’t leave me. Don’t let me go again. Please.” He could hear the desperation in his own voice. “I never wanted to let you go. I never want us to be apart. You are the other half of my soul. I don’t know what to do Charlotte! God help me, I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what we can do. I won’t hurt you again. I need time to think.” She gathered herself together, lowered her eyes and straightened her dress. With a composure which belied the passion and maelstrom that went before, she placed her hand against his cheek and pledged with conviction, “We’ll find a way. I know we will. I believe in you. I believe in us. I love you Sidney Parker.” With that, she was gone. He placed a hand over his face and slid down the wall to the floor. He cried as he hadn’t since he was a seventeen year old boy, broken by one who was so careless of his heart. He was desperate to find a way. He would not dishonour her but he could not be without her. What could he do? He prayed for an answer more in hope than expectation. Little did he know, that the morning would bring it to him, like a ripening dawn.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Sidney was awoken, just after dawn, by the arrival of an express from London. It was a message from Eliza. His first correspondence from her in over a year. She was requesting that he meet with her in London, urgently. It was not a prospect he relished. Particularly in light of the events of the night before. He and Charlotte had so nearly given in to their mutual passion. He could still taste her. He could still feel her touch against his skin. He loved her beyond all reason. It had been agony to deny himself the pleasure he knew would be theirs. It had been the right thing to do, for her sake, but great God, why the was “right thing” so seldom the easy decision to make? She had begged him not to forsake their love for a second time. Now he was facing the prospect of leaving for London and Eliza once again. What would she think of him? It wasn’t hard to imagine. He didn’t want to go but he knew he must. She was still his lawful wife and given the manner of their last parting, he had to believe that her sudden request must be resultant from a most serious cause.

He had contemplated leaving a note for Charlotte but resolved that such a take leave was cold and cowardly under the circumstances. Instead, after he’d made preparations for his journey, he watched and waited for her daily departure for the beach. She emerged sometime past the usual hour, undoubtedly owing to the late night before. He caught up with her easily and without saying a word but with a sideways glance between them, they proceeded and kept a steady pace. They walked so closely together that their hands brushed against each other. How could such a simple thing elicit such a powerful sensation within him? The feeling was clearly shared and relished, for neither party was inclined to either acknowledge it, or to move further apart. Despite her initial surprise at seeing him, she was perfectly content that he should accompany her. For a time neither spoke. This was the torment of having so much to say, of consequence, that you know not how to commence. The fear of saying the wrong thing, or the right thing, the wrong way, or of saying too much, or too little. 

It was Charlotte who spoke first, “Are you intending to go sea bathing this morning Mr Parker?” “No indeed. I find I have not the time, nor the inclination for vigorous exercise this morning. Indeed, I am quite fatigued. I found myself excessively restless last night.” He cast her such an intense and meaningful look as he said this, that her very soul caught on fire. “You must be exhausted...from all that dancing.” He laughed as he recalled his two brief sojourns across the ballroom, followed by his swift exit. For a man whose own wit was often caustic, her sarcasm was a delicious treat. This was the spirited Charlotte he had come to know and love. It had been one of the many things he’d missed since their parting. He was enjoying their renewed badinage. He decided to raise the stakes, “”Dancing”. Is that how we’re to refer to it Miss Heywood.” He gave her his most devilish smirk. “If that is the case, I had the most exquisite partner. Indeed, she quite overwhelmed me with her talents.” She blushed ferociously. He continued, “I found that I liked “dancing” with my partner very much indeed.” She decided to bring an end to their playfulness. “And yet you sent her away...” “You know why.” She immediately stopped and turned to him with a look of courage, determination and obstinacy with which he’d become all too familiar, “Do you think of me as a child Sidney? Incapable of making my own decisions, my own choices!? I am a woman.” He shook his head in disbelief and gave a sigh born of the ridiculousness of the suggestion, “Firstly, a child is the very last thing I comprehend you to be. Believe me, I am more than aware that you’re a woman. I would have thought that was evident to you by now. Secondly, these are not choices without consequence and I cannot believe that you would be making them with a full understanding of what they might mean. Not for myself. I couldn’t care less what people think of me but for you. Charlotte, will you at least credit me with knowing something of this world and it’s cruelties?”

He whispered to her, “I am already bringing ugly speculation upon you. Despite my estrangement from Eliza, the reality is that I am a married man and you are an innocent. I will not turn you into my mistress. I will not cheapen our love. There are other concerns too. If you were to become with child, if I were to render you thus, I couldn’t offer you matrimony. I couldn’t give our child my name. It would be a....I cannot bring myself to use the word in contemplation of any child we made. I would ruin you Charlotte. I would never abandon you, not for a second but even if we remained together, I couldn’t protect you, or our child from scorn and disgrace. You must know, that simply by coming to my house unaccompanied last night, your reputation could be destroyed.” “No one saw me. Besides, I could say I was delivering papers to you. That it was a business matter.” “A business matter!? At that hour!?” “Alright! Perhaps not that but I could say something.” “You could say anything, but would it be believed?” “Not everyone is blind to this. People know Charlotte. They see how we are together. They know that I look upon you with loving eyes. I cannot help it.” “Then they must see how I look at you too.” He could not help but be filled with love for her. He smiled affectionately at her response, “I adore you Charlotte Heywood. That is why I cannot do this to you.” “Are you saying there is nothing in this life for us but separation?” He sighed deeply, “For now, that is how it must be. I wanted to see you this morning, to tell you that I am for London. Not through choice but through necessity.” Sadness washed across her face. She closed her eyes and lowered her head. She had walked this path before and knew it’s painful destination. “You are going back to her.” “She sent an express. She needs to see me, urgently.” “Well. I may not be as familiar with the world as you Mr Parker but I know how this ends. I should never have returned to Sanditon. I knew I would regret it. You’re right. I should have thought more of the consequences of my actions. Of the danger of being near you again. Of trusting you. Of loving you. Georgiana was right. Men like you can never change. Your affection is nothing but empty words. You have taught me well about “love” Sidney Parker. I could never have read about anything or anyone, quite like you. I shall never make such a mistake again. Good day...Sir...” She cut him deeply. The pain was instant and of the acutest kind. He reached for her hand, “Charlotte, please...” She turned to him with tears in her eyes and an expression of such anger, as she snatched her hand away. Her voice was breaking as she said, “You will address me as Miss Heywood from now on...and I have nothing more to say to you. Go to your wife Mr Parker.” With that she walked away, leaving him standing alone on an empty street, once again watching his broken heart disappear into the distance. The worthless pieces, forever in her possession.

He had never felt so powerless and desperate. Every fibre of his being was screaming for him to find a way to resolve this unending nightmare. He couldn’t let it end like this. He realised that in the midst of the seemingly impossible, he had a choice. Perhaps the only one he possessed. He could choose inertia, or he could act. Without pause, he ran to Trafalgar House. Tom and Mary had just sat down to breakfast with the children. They realised immediately, from the expression on his face that this wasn’t a social call. Mary asked the maid to watch the children for a moment as she and Tom took Sidney to the study. “You look distressed. What is it brother?” “I need your help.” Mary responded instantly, “Whatever you need Sidney. We will do all we can.” “I must go to London. Eliza has requested a meeting.” Tom replied, “Do you know what she wants?” “I have absolutely no idea but she sent an express first thing. I will leave presently. I plan to ride there myself. I will travel light and stay at Bedford Place. With fair weather I should make it there in a day and a half.” “That’s optimistic brother.” “I’ve done it in less.” He reflected briefly on those circumstances. Desperately trying to reach her to say an agonising goodbye. It was best not to dwell on that now, for his own sanity. 

He looked at Mary, “How long is Charlotte planning to stay with you?” “Another week complete. Why?” “I need you to keep her here until I return. Please don’t let her leave before her intended stay is up. Allowing for travel, I will be gone for five days at the most.” Mary was confused, “Sidney, What if your business with Eliza requires more time than you anticipate? For what purpose could we hold Charlotte here? I don’t understand.” “Mary, I beg you. Do this for me. Only, please do not mention my name to her in this matter. I fear that at present, it may have the opposite effect to the one you intend.” Mary looked into his eyes, filled with earnestness and anxiety, then looked at her husband who appeared every bit as confused as she. However, bewildered she was, she would not deny his request. She loved her brother in law dearly and could see how much this obviously meant to him. “This is all very mysterious but we will do as you ask Sidney. Fear not. If it is within our power to hold her, she will be here upon your return. Only, please Sidney. Whatever motivates your request, promise me this, it will cause her no harm. I could not bear to see her hurt once again. I do believe her tender heart still holds you dear.” “Thank you Mary. You are the finest sister a man could wish for. I promise you. I will never hurt her again. Though I know I am not free and should not speak so, I assure you, she is truly my dearest love. I will send an express before I leave London to let you know when you may anticipate my return.” With that, he made to leave. Tom stopped him in the hallway, “Sidney. Where is this leading? What are you going to do?” “I’m going to bring this to an end Tom.” With that, he was gone.

As he’d hoped, Sidney had made excellent time . He arrived in London by noon the following day. He’d headed first to Bedford Place to wash off the detritus of the road and change before presenting himself in Mayfair. It felt strange to return to this soulless place. This house that was never a home. There was a look of warm acknowledgment from several of the staff, as they greeted him. He knew he had always been a much easier employer than their mistress. Eliza was seated in the drawing room. Elegant and coldly beautiful as always, resplendent in ivory silk. As empty as his heart was now for her, it was not difficult to comprehend the hold she had once had on him. He bowed decorously, “Good afternoon Eliza.” He moved towards her. On closer proximity, she looked paler than he remembered and somewhat tired. She extended her hand to be kissed. He complied. “Good afternoon Sidney. You made excellent time. I assume you rode?” “I did. You suggested urgency in your correspondence. I thought it best.” “I’m grateful. Time is indeed of the essence and I’m sure it will not surprise you to apprehend that the matter I wish to discuss pertains to this miserable bondage which we must refer to as a marriage.” “I was about to ask if you were well but I see we’re dispensing with pleasantries”. “You were never particularly gifted at small talk Sidney. I thought I’d spare you the burden.” “I’m grateful for your solicitude.” She smiled. Strangely, instead of enhancing her delicate features, for Sidney it served to evoke the image of a cat digesting a canary. “You never change Sidney. There’s something reassuring about your predictably acerbic wit.” “Eliza. I’ve travelled for a day and a half for this. I’ve left behind matters which require my care and attention. I would appreciate it if you could please come to the point.” “Is Miss Heywood one of the “matters” receiving your care and attention these days husband?” Sidney‘s expression was unreadable. “You really should consider whether it’s wise to count a drunkard among your closest friends. Crowe is extremely indiscreet in drink.” She poured herself some tea. 

His anger was stirred, “Putting your blatant hypocrisy aside, I didn’t come here for this and frankly I’m beginning to wonder why I did.” “Oh calm down Sidney. You’re right. I can hardly criticise you for dabbling with your little farmer’s daughter when I have Fredrick to keep me company.” “Eliza, you will find that this conversation will remain civil if you make no further reference or allegation with respect to Miss Heywood.” “Aww. Isn’t love a wonderful thing. If only it had been me and not my money you desired. How happy we might have been.” “I don’t think we would ever have been happy Eliza. As a wise woman once told me, happiness in marriage is a question of compatibility. You and I are the very definition of incompatible.” “We were happy once Sidney.” “We were children once Eliza.” “Indeed. That rather brings me to the issue at hand. I find I am with child Sidney.” His face fell. “I know. Rather difficult to persuade the Beau Monde that you and I had a rapprochement, when I haven’t seen you in nearly a year and a half. Not impossible though...” “Completely impossible. I have told too many lies as it is. Our marriage is over Eliza. I didn’t want to divorce you, with the shame and ignominy that would bring but I won’t live like this any longer and I certainly won’t be party to such a cruel and paltry deception.” “Oh I do so enjoy sporting with you. You don’t have to be. I have no intention of involving you in this Sidney. Even if I wanted to Lady Worcester is sufficiently appraised of your romantic concerns and that of a certain lady’s, who shall now remain nameless, that any subterfuge would be futile. Besides, I don’t love you anymore. In truth, I’m not sure that I ever did. I like to win. However, I’ve found it’s not quite so rewarding trying to hold on to someone else’s prize.” 

“What are you going to do?” “Well, that brings me neatly to the purpose of your visit. I have a proposition. It will only work with your cooperation but if it does, we both stand a chance of getting what we want most in this life.” Sidney finally sat down. “Pray continue.” “Fredrick is aware of my news. He loves me and I love him. You are of course quite right. If you divorce me and he is named and sued, we will never be able to marry, as we wish to do. Sooner, rather than later, for obvious reasons.” “What solution do you propose?” “I propose an annulment. That way this farce of ours will be as though it never was.“ “How on earth...?” “Fraud Sidney.” “You will claim to the ecclesiastical court, that I defrauded you into marriage. I failed to inform you in advance of our union, of the codicil in Campion’s will. You will argue that you anticipated partaking in the full share of his estate as bequeathed to me, and in that, you were deceived. It resulted in your material deprivation and an alienation of affection. I will affirm that what you say, is the truth.” Sidney was stunned. Could it be possible? “Fredrick and I wish to marry. I suspect you do too.” Sidney nodded in reply. “Then this is the only way. With the help and good auspices of Babington and Lady Worcester, if you can persuade them, we may be able to elicited the assistance of the Prince Regent. Fredrick’s family name also carries some sway in the parish. Uncontested and with the evidence of the Will and our sworn testimony, the matter should be swiftly expedited.” Sidney considered all of this. “So, I will be mercenary and you will be a fraud.” Eliza laughed, “Not so very far from the truth is it?” Sidney ran his hand across his face and shook his head. She could see his shame, “Oh come, come Sidney. You’re not such a dark hearted villain really. You didn’t do anything that I didn’t do. I too married someone I didn’t love, to access a fortune. I hurt you badly in the process. I’m sorry for it. Truly. I’m sorry for what it did to you and believe it or not, I’m actually rather sorry for your Miss Heywood...there I mentioned her name.” He gave her a wry smile. “She clearly adores you.” “I confess the feeling is mutual.” “No confession was required. The evidence of my own eyes was sufficient. Oh Sidney. What a mess we made.” “Indeed. I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done. For the pain I’ve inflicted on Charlotte and for treating you as I have. We may not love each other Eliza but it should never have come to this and I’m deeply ashamed that it has.” She nodded. “We cannot erase the past Sidney. All we can do is try to forge a better future.” He thought, as he often did, of Charlotte’s suggestion that they might rewrite their pasts if they found them disagreeable. He knew it was a notion, however attractive, born of naivety. The past shapes us all, for better or worse. His only hope now, was that the future would be created by his better angels and with his soul mate by his side. He broke the silence that had descended, “Will you stay in London, or go to the country do you think?” “Once I have given my evidence, we will go to France to await the granting of the annulment. We were thinking Paris or perhaps Deauville. One can reinvent oneself there. Rather like Sanditon but with much more style and panache.” Sidney couldn’t help but laugh. Something he could never have imagined doing when he first arrived. He then considered a more serious matter, “The baby Eliza. Does Alamby know all that has gone before?” Eliza gave him a stoic smile, “I find I prefer not to dwell on the past. Besides Fredrick is something of a worrier. One of us has to be strong.” “That is certainly you Eliza.” He rose from his chair as she spoke, “This may be the last time we ever see each other. I wish you every happiness Sidney Parker.” For a moment those words caught him off guard. He composed himself, “And you Eliza. I truly hope all will be well. God speed on your journey. Wherever it takes you.” Sidney kissed her hand and left. His past would soon be at an end. His future lay before him, finally within his grasp.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies that this has taken so long to post. Also, I’d initially hoped to finish the story in three chapters but it felt like it needed a little longer. Hopefully the next chapter will be the conclusion. Thank you to everyone who has read it so far and I’m hugely grateful for your comments.

He had remained in London only sufficient time to allow for a conversation with his solicitor, with Babington and with Lady Worcester. She had been somewhat shocked to see him. After some initial hostility born of her affection for Charlotte, she had been softened by his plight and obvious deep admiration and love for her dear young friend. She listened to his earnest request with considerable interest and agreed to seek the assistance of her particular friend to secure the annulment as expeditiously as possible. In his narrative, he chose not to reveal Eliza’s delicate “condition” or her intended destination. He felt that such intelligence was not his to share. While he found that he trusted Lady Susan’s discretion implicitly, he doubted that the gossips of London society would avoid speculating, or holding their tongues for long. He knew that he too would partake in their poison and wanted to be far from them when it began to take effect. For his part, upon receiving the news, Babington could scarce conceal his joy that his friend would soon be freed from his abject misery. That he might assist through his own friendship with the Prince Regent, pleased him enormously, such was his affection for his old friend. He had long known of Sidney’s profound unhappiness in his married state and of the negligence of another, which had necessitated it. He also recognised the heartache his friend had both wrought and endured. His dearest wish was to help find a happy solution, both for Sidney and for the woman he so desperately loved. However, none had appeared readily forthcoming. Thus this latest development was a blessed release, for all concerned.

Sidney spent but two nights at Bedford Place before sending an express to Trafalgar House to inform Tom and Mary of his imminent return. He would have to suffer and endure for almost two days, through an unseasonable storm, before he finally reached Sanditon and discovered whether his family had been successful in detaining his beloved. It had not been an easy task. Despite initially intending to remain for a full week complete, Charlotte had announced at Breakfast on the morning of Sidney’s departure, that she intended to take her leave and go home to Willingden the following day. Mary reflected that she had returned from her daily excursion to the beach, looking much as she had when they had said their goodbyes after her previous stay. The sight had greatly distressed her. In her desperation to persuade Charlotte to remain a little longer, Mary had feigned illness. A “sick headache”. Tom had played along and made much of perceiving the onset of “fever”, of the imperative to avoid infection and of the prospect of any sickness taking hold among the children. Charlotte’s good and loyal heart was easily touched by their pleas and she agreed to remain for a further day, until the extent of Mary’s “illness” could be determined. Neither party to it, enjoyed the subterfuge. Particularly as Charlotte was so evidently concerned for Mary and insisted on scouring Sanditon for ingredients in order to painstakingly prepare her mother’s curative broth. While word of her state led an almost hysterical Arthur and Diana to insist upon a visit by Dr Fuchs. Still, Mary resolved, such ignominy must be endured to keep her word to her dear brother, to whom they owed so much more than they could ever repay. 

With Mary resting in her room and the children at their lessons, Charlotte had written to her parents to tell them that, weather permitting, she would be returning by Friday, as planned. To her sister Alison, she wrote a much less formal, more intimate letter, outlining some of the joys and sorrows of her return to Sanditon. She left out her more brazen indiscretions. Despite her concealment, try as she might, she could not bring herself to feel guilt for having offered herself to him so blatantly. In her heart, though, she knew that he was right to draw back. What kind of life would that be for her? Yes, she would be with him, but at what price? She would break her parent’s hearts and bring shame upon her family. Indeed, were it to become widely known, it could materially damage the marriage prospects of her siblings. To cause such sorrow to those she loved with her recklessness, she could not bear it. In that moment, she contemplated Sidney’s own matrimonial decision and realised that in some ways, their dilemmas were very much alike. Both utterly impossible to resolve painlessly. Both born of their affection for and loyalty to those closest to them. She knew without question that she would love him for eternity and regret him for as long. She would hold him in her heart. It would always be his home but she could not suffer this affliction any longer. She needed to find a path to acceptance and peace and that would only come from letting him go. She resolved to say her final goodbyes to Sanditon and to Sidney Parker. 

A short time later, she had gone to visit Mr Stringer. She felt awkward that she had not done so before now but concluded that he might well have preferred to retain his dignity under the circumstances. His bruising was turning a vibrant shade of yellow but his eyes were still bloodshot. There was a sad resolve to his countenance that she had never seen before. She felt greatly for his obvious pain and distress. “Mr Stringer, I am so dreadfully sorry for what took place between you and Mr Parker. Truly, he should never have struck you.” “You need not apologise Miss. He is a man with a violent temper and a reputation for being free with his fists.” Charlotte felt her conflicted feelings of friendship towards Mr Stringer and loyalty and passionate devotion to Sidney, warring with each other. “I will concede that Mr Parker is someone whose motivations are not always easily understood. Whatever they were in this instance, he should not have resorted to violence.” “The only thing I regret in my interaction with him Miss Heywood, was that I invoked your name and your association with him.” Charlotte looked puzzled. Could this be what Sidney was referring to when he told her that he did not like what Stringer had intimated about her...about them? “I am ashamed Miss. I should have known you are too much of a lady to ever risk your reputation for that reprobate.” Charlotte physically recoiled and blanched at his words, “Please, Mr Stringer. We have always been such very good friends. I understand that he has injured you greatly but you do not truly know the man you malign. Please do not address him in such a way. Not in my hearing.” 

“You are too generous. He has already broken your heart once. I know you thought he would propose marriage to you but like the cad he is, he passed you over for money. What kind of man would do such a thing? Least of all to a woman like you.” Stringer stepped closer to her and Charlotte’s eyes widened. She stepped back instinctively. “Mr Stringer....” “You must know how I feel about you Charlotte. You cannot have failed to see that I regard you above all others. You are truly the most extraordinary, beautiful, beguiling woman I have ever met. I am devoted to you. Utterly. I have been from the very first moment I saw you. Indeed, I love you with all my heart. I would never treat you as he has. I would never dishonour you.” Charlotte was stunned into shock and silence. He suddenly fell on to bended knee before her. “Miss Heywood...Charlotte...I know I can offer you little in status and material comforts but I swear I will work to provide for you and for our family. I will devote myself to you completely. I will elevate myself from my station in life and strive to be worthy of you, if you would do me the honour of becoming my wife.”

For what felt like an eternity there was an agonising silence. Finally Charlotte found her voice, “Mr Stringer...” “Call me James, please Charlotte.” “Mr Stringer, I beg you, return to your feet.” Slowly he rose and stood before her. Haltingly she began, “I am so very sorry. Truly, I am. I have been so foolish and naive that I did not properly recognise the nature of your regard for me before now.” He grasped her hands tightly in his, “None of that matters now my love. We will be together.” Charlotte pulled her hands from his and stepped back. “Please do not speak like this Mr Stringer. For the world, I would not wish to hurt you in any way and I should never have wanted to lead you to believe that my feelings for you, were anything other than the affectionate regard of a dear friend.” Stringer’s features fell at the use of that final word. “You are right that my hopes lay with another and that they were indeed disappointed. However, I fully comprehend the circumstances which necessitated his decision. The agony of the consequences remains, but so too does the tenderness of my regard..of my affection and love. He may never be mine in this life but my heart is his and ever more will be.” “You cannot waste your life on such a man. There is no gain.” “I do not think my love is wasted. I do not seek to gain. What true heart thinks in such terms? I could no more deny my love for him, than I could pledge my affections where they do not lie.” Stringer comprehended her meaning. “I wish you well Mr Stringer. I wish you had not been deceived in my regard for you. If I have done so, I sincerely apologise. Believe me, it was most unconsciously done. I wish too that you are more fortunate than I and that you will find your happiness in this life. You deserve someone whose heart is full for you. You are the very best of men and she will be a fortunate woman indeed.” Stringer replied with a sorrowful tone, “But not you.” “No, Mr Stringer. Not me. I will be leaving tomorrow morning for Willingden. I had called as a take leave. Do not think me careless of your feelings but I had so much hoped that we might part on friendly terms.” Stringers affection was such that he couldn’t deny her request. He tried for a pained smile as he said, “I cannot deny that I wish things had turned out differently but I should never wish to be the reason for causing you any grief Miss.” “You never have Mr Stringer.” She extended her hand to him. “Friends?” He took her hand and kissed it, “The very best Miss. I bid you farewell and God speed. You will write I hope?” “Of course! Though I doubt there’ll be much to tell.” Her face fell as she echoed the words of one whose absence was like a knife to her chest, “Nothing ever happens in Willingden.” “You will forgive me my boldness Miss.” She smiled, “Dear Mr Stringer, there is nothing to forgive. Goodbye, my friend.” With that, she was gone. 

During dinner that evening, which was unusually, a somewhat awkward and stilted affair, Charlotte had confirmed her intention to leave the following morning. She was surprised to find that the news was greeted with anxious and pained expressions from Tom and Mary. Mary was clearly improving in health, so Charlotte assumed that their concern was resultant from an express they had received that evening. Tom had read its contents in the study and had promptly summoned Mary. Charlotte overheard them talking heatedly. She didn’t intend to listen in but caught Mary saying, “He’ll never make it!” and Tom remarking, “What more can we do!” She surmised that once again Tom had encountered financial difficulties. She could almost hear Sidney’s voice saying, “Yet more assumptions Miss Heywood”. She gave a wry smile at the thought. Still, she reflected, this latest development gave her yet more reason to say her goodbyes. These matters were best addressed by family and while they were kind and solicitous, the Parkers would never be that to her now. She settled in to her room in Trafalgar House one last time and with a sense of calm acceptance of her fate and with the sound of the wind and rain battering against her window, she blew out the candle on her bedside table and attempted to find sleep. Meanwhile, some thirty miles north, in a coaching inn, Sidney Parker watched through the window of his room as the storm outside shook the trees and took with it his last hope of reaching Sanditon by morning. He was exhausted and running out of time. He’d let her go before. He would never do it again. It was time she understood that she was his love, his life, his choice. That nothing on this earth would ever come between them again. With that he left his room and summoned his horse. Come hellfire and damnation, he’d ride through the night to reach her and make her his own.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we’ve reached the last chapter of the story. My apologies for the delay but life and work intervened. I was determined to complete it. If only certain television networks felt the same, eh? Still, I hope you enjoy it. We’ll always have our own stories and conclusions with which to celebrate and enjoy these wonderful characters.

Charlotte had slept fitfully that night. For some reason, she couldn’t fathom, she was filled with the most dreadful sense of anxiety. On at least three separate occasions she had been drawn to the window. She had risen from her bed to look outside, through the torrential rain and into the inky darkness beyond. She had never been frightened of a storm. Indeed she was generally in awe of the explosive energy of nature. However, something about this night absolutely terrified her. She had never wished for the dawn to come, so much in her life. When it finally did, it brought an eerie calm. It was to be short lived. 

Not long after 5am there was a huge commotion downstairs at Trafalgar House. Charlotte thought the front door must surely have come off its hinges such was the ferocity with which it was struck repeatedly by someone clearly most anxious to gain admittance. She heard Tom’s voice in the hall as he attempted to calm Mary and the children. She could hear the littlest Parker’s crying. She wrapped herself in her large shawl and moved to the landing. It was then that she heard Tom exclaim, “Good God Sidney! What has happened!?” Before she could think of propriety or decorum, she raced downstairs. He was being borne up, under both arms by Mr Stringer and Mr Robinson, his boots dragging along the floor as they took him through to the drawing room. He was soaked through. His head tucked into his chest, seemingly unconscious. There was mud splattered across his pale, wet face. Mud, caked with his blood. Her heart raced as she followed the anxious men, while they struggled to drag his weight across the marble floor as best they could, before placing him on the chaise. She stared at his chest, watching it like a hawk for its rise and fall. At least this reassured her that he was indeed, alive. On instinct she pushed Stringer, Robinson and Tom out of the way and went to his side, anxiously running her hands across his forehead and gently caressing his cheek. He felt worryingly hot to the touch. She could comprehend nothing but the sight of him for several minutes until her senses returned and she could once again hear the men talking in the background. Stringer and Robinson had found him by the roadside, under a tree, not far from Sanditon House. His horse must have thrown him. The animal was nowhere to be found. They didn’t know how long he had lain there before they found him, a mere thirty minutes prior. They had stumbled upon him as they surveyed the storm damage at first light and the flooded main access route to the town. By the look of him, they surmised, he must have been there for some considerable time. Why on earth he had ventured out in such weather, they could not fathom. He had been semi-conscious when they reached him. He had said little, except for two things which he had repeated often. “Charlotte” and the words “Forgive me.” At this, all three men looked at her, their faces wreathed in distress. She realised that a tear had fallen down her cheek and she hastily wiped it away. This was no time for sentiment. This was a time for action. 

Mary had joined her, “Oh Sidney! Oh my dear brother!” Charlotte turned to her and immediately took command of the situation, “Mary, we need blankets, towels and hot water quickly!” “Yes, of course!” “Tom, fetch Dr Fuchs.” For a second Tom was frozen, staring at Sidney’s broken body. She shook him from his trance, shouting loudly, “QUICKLY TOM!” This had the intended result and he ran immediately from the room. She turned to Stringer and Robinson, “Will you both stay until Dr Fuchs arrives? He may want to move him to a bed upstairs? We should not attempt it until we know it is safe to do so.” Both men nodded and Stringer replied, “Yes of course Miss. We’ll stay as long as we’re needed.” “Thank you Mr Stringer.” Both men looked at each other solemnly, before Mr Robinson finally stepped forward, “Miss Heywood, I was wondering if I might have a brief word in private?” “Mr Robinson, please do not think me rude or discourteous but this is not the time. I do not wish to leave him.” “I understand Miss but there is something I feel I must impart to you.” Charlotte was anxious and frustrated as she replied, “What is it Mr Robinson?” He opened his hand and she looked down, puzzled. It was a small black jewellery box. She looked from the box to his face and back. “I believe this was intended for you Miss. It was clutched in Mr Parker’s hand. While he could speak, he asked that we give this to you. He made us promise and I undertook to do so. I am discharging my duty to him.” Charlotte took the box. Mr Stringer spoke softly, “We’ll give you a moment. We’ll wait outside.” Slowly Charlotte opened the box, pushing against the resistance of it’s stiff hinges. She gasped as she beheld the beautiful gold Posey Ring on a blue velvet cushion inside. Shaped perfectly like a rose, with diamonds and pearls clustered around it’s centre, she tentatively lifted it out as the light refracted off its gleaming stones. As she looked at it in awe, transferring her attention from this beautiful object, to the man she loved and back again, she noticed an engraving on the band. It read, “From All Things One and From One, All Things” S&C. It was a quote from Heraclitus. The initials were undoubtedly theirs. He had purchased this for her, he had intended it for her. She was overcome with emotion. She fell to her knees and sobbed as she clasped his hand and lay her forehead tenderly upon it, “Oh my dearest, darling Sidney. Do not leave me! I love you so.” In that moment Mary returned to the room. She put her arms around Charlotte and helped her to her feet, “My dear, Dr Fuchs has arrived.” She could hear him announcing his presence with several phrases in German. As he entered the room, exclaiming Frau Parker, Fraulein Heywood, where is my patient? Ah, Herr Parker, you have been in the wars I see. Meine Damen, I must examine the gentleman urgently. If you please...” With that he gesticulated towards the door. Mary took her arm, “Come Charlotte. Let us make ourselves respectable. This will be a long day I fear. He is in good hands now.” Charlotte nodded and proceeded to her room. Before she returned downstairs a short time later, she placed the ring on her finger. He had intended for her to wear it and wear it she would. It would be a talisman and God willing, it would bring him back to her.

After what seemed like an age, Dr Fuchs emerged and joined them in the study to inform Charlotte, Mary and the newly arrived Arthur and Diana, that Sidney had dislocated his shoulder and most likely fractured several ribs. He did not appear to have difficulty breathing, so he assumed the lungs had not been damaged. He would not bind his chest, as experience in similar cases had shown that ribs healed better with minimal intervention. There would however be considerable pain, both from the injury and from the extensive bruising. He would provide a tincture to assist with this. With some effort, he had managed to successfully reset his shoulder. Tom, who was listening from behind the Doctor, looked pale throughout and on the verge of sickness. He muttered, “Dear God. Must we dwell in the details?” His words attracted the attention of Fuchs. Looking back at him with an air of frustration he observed to Mary, “Your husband I fear, is not one for the sick room, Frau Parker. From previous experience, Fraulein Heywood would have afforded much greater assistance . Thank goodness for Herr Stringer and Herr Robinson.” Charlotte anxiously entreated, “Will he be well Doctor? Will he live?” Mary took her hand. “Fraulein, my greatest concerns at present, are his fever and the possibility of an injury to his head. The cuts, bruises and bones, they will heal. For the fever, we must wait for it to break. He is a strong, healthy young man with a good constitution. That is as much as we could hope for. For the head, we must pray. Only time will tell.” Charlotte was visibly distressed and raised her hand to cover her face. Tom spoke, “How much time?” “We should know more in the next few days. If he regains consciousness, the battle is not yet won but we are on the path to victory.” Tom continued, “If he doesn’t?” Mary intervened, “Tom please!” Dr Fuchs replied, “Perhaps it is best to listen to your wife Herr Parker. I find that no good comes from speculation. Let us see what transpires. You may remove him, with care, to a bed chamber. Do not leave him alone for the next 12 hours. I will return to examine him again later today.”

Dr Fuchs was as good as his word and returned before luncheon and twice more that evening. Sidney remained unconscious and in the grip of fever. Save for brief moments of necessity, Charlotte never left his side, alternating between gently bathing his face with cool water, tenderly holding his hand, speaking to him softly, words of love and devotion and praying earnestly. She knew that propriety and any effort at disguise had long since been abandoned and rendered redundant. Her heart was ripped open and its contents exposed for all to see. Arthur had fetched ice for his brother and spontaneously, without waiting for Mary, she had removed Sidney’s shirt and applied the ice, wrapped in Muslin, to his bruised ribs and shoulder. If Arthur was shocked by her boldness, he didn’t show it. Instead, he merely smiled kindly at her before saying, with a voice filled with emotion, “My brother is a most fortunate man and you are indeed the finest of women Miss Heywood.” The hours passed slowly. Mary, Georgiana and Diana had all joined her in her vigil. Each one begged her to eat, or to rest a while, but she declined. When tiredness finally did consume her, she slept in the chair by his bed, still clasping his hand in hers. Tom and Mary watched her silently from the door. Tom observed, “How could I have failed to see it Mary?” “He is a very private man Tom and one with hidden depths of emotion, that I fear we could never fully comprehend. He sacrificed so much for us all. Charlotte sacrificed so much for us all.” “She loves him very much doesn’t she?” “Yes. Yes she does. She is everything and all that I so hoped he’d find. That I wished, so desperately for him. They would have been so happy together Tom.” “Pray God Mary that fate is kind and somehow, they may yet have their chance.”

Charlotte awoke with a start some hours later, to see daylight streaming in through the curtains. For a moment she was disoriented, then she remembered all that had transpired and the hand, resting in hers. His eyes remained closed but his chest still rose and fell with a steady rhythm. It would have to be enough for now. She kissed his hand, placed it gently back on the bed, then stood from the chair to stretch out her aching limbs. She touched his forehead. He felt much cooler than yesterday and she observed no sign of perspiration on his face or neck. She smiled down at him, he was improving. She gave her thanks to God for sparing this complex, unfathomable, frustrating, loyal, devoted and wonderful man, that she loved so very dearly. Perhaps even more handsome than ever, as he lay so still before her. Were it not for the circumstances, there was a strange, quasi domesticity about it all. Her voice broke through the silence, “Good morning my darling Sidney”. She didn’t expect a reply. Instead she made her way to the window to open the curtains and bring light to the room. “Good morning my love”. 

His voice was rasping and faint but it was there nonetheless. She spun round on the spot, half expecting it to be an auditory hallucination brought on by anxiety and exhaustion, only to see his dark eyes looking upon her once more. She emitted a loud, agonising sob, one which emanated from her very soul and was released before she could control it. She dashed to him, “Oh Sidney! My dearest heart! You’re awake! You came back to me!” Tears were streaming down her face. He whispered, “I must take your word for it that I am indeed awake. When I opened my eyes and saw you there, surrounded by such bright light, I thought I might be in heaven.” “Indeed not! You are here with me.” “It is the same thing my darling Charlotte.” With that she kissed him tenderly. He whispered to her, “I love you, my beautiful little angel. With all my heart and soul.” “I love you too.” She gently stroked his cheek then offered him some water, “I cannot tell you how frightened I was. You have injured yourself greatly. Your shoulder has been reset but your ribs are fractured.” He attempted to adjust his position in the bed but was assaulted by a sharp pain which brought him up short, “Yes..and not for the first time alas.” It was an all too familiar consequence of too many afternoons and evenings trading blows in prize fights. He winced. “Here. Take some of this. Dr Fuchs left it for you. You had a fever too. It seems to have broken now but...Oh Sidney, I thought I would lose you.” He grasped her hand tightly and kissed it. “I am so sorry. All I ever seem to do is hurt you, when it’s the last thing I intend.” “What possessed you to journey in such weather?” “To reach you my dearest one. I needed one more chance to plead my case. I had begged Tom and Mary to keep you here. I knew, after our last conversation, that you were intending to leave immediately. I knew I could not prevent it. That you hated me for everything.” “I didn’t hate you! I could never hate you but I needed to find a way to live without you. You must understand that.” “I don’t want you to.” “You think it would be my choice!? It is not. But I must. We must.” “No. No we mustn’t. Charlotte, we must never be parted from each other again. I swear to you. No one will ever separate us from this day on.” Charlotte was utterly bewildered by his words, “Sidney, I don’t...” “Eliza called me to London to inform me that she wishes our marriage to be annulled. Had she not done so, my intention was to seek a divorce.” “An annulment? Is that even possible?” “It has required me to attest that I was deceived into marriage and disappointed in her fortune and for her to render herself a fraud. It is distasteful and in many respects dishonourable but it is a small price to pay. We will both soon be free. Free from a wretched circumstance. Free to be with the one’s we love. To marry the one’s we love. Her heart lies elsewhere and God knows, so does my own. It lies with you, my darling Charlotte. It did then. It does now and it always will.” 

Charlotte was stunned. Sidney looked down and saw the ring he’d purchased, now on her finger. It was glinting in the morning sunlight. He smiled and began to remove it, “It’s on the wrong hand you know. It should be on your left.” “I would never have presumed to place it there.” “In that case, perhaps you might allow me to presume?” Charlotte was transfixed as he moved the ring to the third finger of her left hand. “There. It is where it was meant to be. Do you like it my love, will it do?” She gave him a knowing grin, “It’s beautiful.” “Did you see the engraving?” Charlotte smiled, “I did. It’s wonderful.” “I thought it seemed appropriate. When we’re together, I feel that anything and all things are within our grasp. I feel the infinite possibilities of this life and the unimaginable joy that would come from sharing it with you. That is my dearest wish. It has long been my cherished hope, my dream. That I should spend the rest of my life with you. Endeavouring to deserve you and making you as happy as you make me. It will be some months, I am sure, before we can declare ourselves publicly and I am at liberty, or indeed physically able, to visit Willingden to seek your father’s consent. To appeal to his good nature to allow me the hand in marriage of his most exquisite daughter. It is however my earnest intention to seek it Charlotte but only if you wish me to. Therefore I must ask you, Miss Heywood, my own dearest, darling Charlotte, will you do me the greatest imaginable honour and consent to be my wife?”

For a moment Charlotte thought back to when she had asked Mary how you could know that someone was “the one”? Mary had replied, that you just do. She had been right of course. There was only ever going to be one answer she could possibly give to this question, from this man. In a voice filled with emotion, she whispered her reply, “Yes”. She had never seen such a look of utter joy light upon someone’s face. She delighted in it. He let out a laugh and moved to reach for her, then winced in pain, “Oh, ow! Only a fool such as I could propose to the love of my life and find myself unable to embrace my new fiancée.” Charlotte laughed long and heartily, which made Sidney want to do the same. The comical ridiculousness of the situation appealed to both their humours. “Well, Mr Parker. If you cannot come to me, then I must come to you.” With that, she leaned in and kissed him, with a passion that both shocked and delighted him. Not content with his lips, she placed feather like kisses down his neck and across his bruised collar bone. Sidney moaned in response. Charlotte whispered against his skin, “Am I hurting you my love?” He struggled to reply but in a voice deepened with passion remarked, “Not at all. In face, quite the opposite. When I am fully recovered, remind me that I must spend some considerable time demonstrating to you exactly what pleasure sounds like...and feels like.” Charlotte gasped at his boldness. “Sidney Parker! You scandalise me!” He smiled wickedly, “...and I intend to enjoy every single minute.” 

It was to be six long months before the annulment was finally granted. During that time, Sidney had recovered fully from his accident. He had been joined in Sanditon during his recuperation, by an anxious Babington, who had raced there upon hearing of what had transpired, from Lady Denham. Sidney’s horse had finally been found grazing on her estate. Crowe had also habituated himself in Trafalgar House for several days, much to Mary’s consternation as he’d consumed virtually their entire cellar in that time. To a person, among his family and friends, there was universal delight at his joyous news and a pledge to keep it quiet for now. The Parker’s embraced Charlotte as their own and Tom in particular, endeavoured to make up for his past selfishness and myopia. An express had been sent to the Heywood’s at the time of Sidney’s accident to explain the delay in Charlotte’s return. After it was clear that all danger had passed, she had reluctantly left her fiancé a fortnight later to return to her family, as she felt she must. They had both been utterly miserable at the prospect. Even more so as their engagement remained concealed from the Heywood’s and Sidney felt unable to approach her father until the annulment was in place. Charlotte had promised to return as soon as she was able and Mary, Diana and Georgiana all pledged to contrive convincing reasons why she must. She and Sidney hated the concealment but knew it was necessary for now. Her Posey Ring was placed by him, on a delicate gold chain, which she in turn, placed around her neck. Charlotte cried as she did so and to her heartache and astonishment, so did Sidney. She would tell her family that the ring was a Parker family heirloom and a gift to her, from them. She hated lying and was appalling at doing so but she held such a precious secret that she would never jeopardise it. It was to be the second time she left Sanditon in tears. Only this time, a bright and glorious future awaited her return. 

Correspondence had flowed from Sanditon and London, to Willingden on an almost daily basis in the ensuing weeks. Small parcels which contained an endless supply of gifts, also arrived. From Sidney, in addition to letters of such affection that she found herself waking at dawn to ensure she received them and not her parents, there was a beautiful bracelet studded with diamonds and a matching diamond cross for the gold chain he had given her. She had been overwhelmed by them and after showing them to Alison, she had hidden then under a floorboard beneath her bed. He also sent her shells from the beach and a book of love sonnets, so that, “My adorable little farmer’s daughter might read them and remember her loving fiancé and the passionate affection he holds so dear for her.” He also sent architects drawings of the new magnificent townhouses to be built along the promenade. The note accompanying them said simply, “Pick one. It will be ours. S xxx” Mary had sent fabric samples, “that we might get started on your trousseau”. Once she had received word of Sidney’s latest acquisition, she sent swatches of upholstery fabric and wallpaper samples too. Arthur sent a fruit cake from the new bakery in Sanditon, which he described as “nothing short of a triumph!” and “Highly suitable wedding cake.” While Diana sent a new fragrance which an apothecary had prepared for her. In addition to smelling sweetly, she informed her that she had been assured that it also had, “a restorative effect on the nasal passages.” Georgiana’s gift was particularly well received. It was a sketch of Sidney. She was prodigiously talented and it bore an uncanny resemblance to him. It was also, thankfully much more decorous than the watercolour she had once told Charlotte about. For anything more adventurous, Charlotte had the recollections of her minds eye to please her. In her accompanying letter Georgiana had informed her that Sidney was trying to be brave but had been utterly miserable since she’d left. He had taken to swimming every day and walking along the cliff tops. It didn’t seem to help his mood particularly but it expended some pent up energy and rebuilt his strength. She had also sketched an image of Charlotte for him as a gift. He’d delighted in it and was having it made up as a miniature. It was the only thing which had brightened his countenance in weeks, she observed. It made her reflect that perhaps an image of Sidney might afford her similar pleasure. The thought of her beloved so unhappy without her and of Georgiana’s thoughtfulness, made Charlotte cry.

If her parents suspected anything unusual, behind this constant correspondence, they had said nothing. Charlotte had however, shared her news with her sister Alison, who upon hearing the full story, or that which propriety permitted her to share, had embraced her sister, wished her the greatest joy and vouched safe to love her new brother dearly. Lady Susan was ecstatic and made an offer both to receive the newly engaged couple as soon as it was announced and to assist in heading off any “ugly speculation and gossip” within society. “Neither of you will be besmirched within my hearing, my dear one”, she had written. Her turn of phrase always raised a smile. Susan also offered to meet with her father, “Should any assistance be required to permit your handsome, loving gentleman to make his case.” Charlotte was deeply touched by her kindness and replied as such. 

In the event however, concealment proved futile. Mr Heywood it seemed, was much more astute and observant than his eldest daughter had ever anticipated. As a result, matters came to a head after just three months. Much more quickly than anyone could have imagined. The Heywood’s were to attend the wedding celebrations of one of Charlotte’s closest childhood friends, Caroline Wilkinson. Caroline was a delightful young woman whom Charlotte adored and who, other than her sister Alison, was the only soul in Willingden, who knew of her engagement. The wedding had set the village a buzz with excitement. Caroline was “marrying well” to a delightful chap. A Cavalry Officer and the second son of a Baronet. Charlotte had written of the event to Sidney and had told him how very much she wished he could be by her side. Sidney had replied that it broke his heart to be apart from her but that she must remember as the couple uttered their vows, that it would soon be them. The thought gave her not only comfort but the deepest thrill. Nonetheless, the day had proven to be something of a strain for her. The wedding itself had prevented her from returning to Sanditon for a fortnight’s stay. Diana had written to request her “companionship following a period of ill health”. After some persuasion, her father had agreed to let her return. She had been forced to cancel, which not only gave her pain but she knew that Sidney would be devastated. She had been proven right but he had insisted that she must do her duty to her friend. She had also found herself peppered with questions during the wedding breakfast, from the local ladies of the parish about her own marital intentions, to the point where she had decided to excuse herself and take some air by the lake.

Her father had watched her go, with some concern. Charlotte was a child who had never been prone to low spirits. It seemed to him, that the ever mysterious Sanditon had a distinctly depressing effect upon her, for every time she returned her mood was not improved. He decided to approach her on the subject and to offer what advice he could. He knew as a parent, he should not play favourites and he adored all of his children but Charlotte was perhaps most like him in temperament and he cherished the bond they had always shared. He found her resting on a rock by the water’s edge. “Papa! What brings you out here? Are the couple taking their leave already!?” “No, indeed not. I think they’re still accepting the salutations of their nearest and dearest. In truth, I saw you leaving and I thought perhaps we might talk a little.” “Talk?” “Yes. It seems to me that of late, I have been neglectful.” “Papa!” “No, I feel I have been Charlotte. I’ve suspected for some time that there is an unhappiness that you hold within you and I wish very much that you would share it with me. That I might somehow ease your burden.” Charlotte smiled, “Papa, I have no burdens to share, truly.” “You never could tell an untruth child. I know you too well. May I ask if this “burden” has a name...and might that name be Sidney Parker?” Charlotte looked stunned and took a sharp intake of breath at the mention of his name. Mr Heywood had received his answer. “How did you know that name Papa?” “When you first visited Sanditon, your mother would read aloud the letters you sent to her. Not matters of privacy of course but your more general observations. We both noticed that the latest interactions with “Tom’s younger brother Sidney”, seemed to frequently occupy your thoughts. We thought it was unlikely to be merely happenstance.” At first, she wanted to deny everything, to pass it off as nonsense but she could not. Every tiny fragment of her pain, of her longing and her love, was etched on her face. Slowly, with trepidation, she recounted events to her father. 

At first he listened attentively and with curiosity. Then with concern and eventually with anger and shock. This man had ruthlessly disguarded his daughter, broken her heart! He was mercenary in his actions and worst of all he was married! Despite Charlotte’s protestations of altruism and an imminent annulment, Mr Heywood was unmoved. He was a married man. He would dishonour himself and bring speculation upon Charlotte and that was completely unacceptable. He insisted that she must break off this “engagement” immediately. He would never consent to her union with such a man. Charlotte’s response was swift and adamant. If he refused, she would leave Willingden, go to him, await his freedom and elope. She loved him and her family dearly but Sidney Parker was the other half of her soul and she would never be parted from him again. Before he could reply to her outburst, Charlotte had stormed off, leaving her father to gather his thoughts. She had fled the celebrations and returned home. In floods of tears she had sent an express to Sanditon and one to London. Sidney had received his the following day while taking breakfast with Tom, Arthur and Babington. In some considerable distress and with the bare minimum of explanation, he set off immediately for Willingden. The very little information that his brothers and friend could glean from Sidney before he left, suggested that all was not well in Willingden and that Mr Heywood was not proving sympathetic to his daughter’s wishes. The men were immediately concerned and anxious to do all they could to assist the young couple to plead their case. Within the hour, all three were in a carriage, pursuing Sidney to Willingden and the Heywood residence. Unbeknownst to them and hot on their heals was Lady Susan. She had anticipated Mr Heywood’s concerns and was determined to help allay them. 

Thus it was, that a mere two days later, an anxious looking young man, exhausted from his exertions and only recently recovered from injury, arrived at Heywood Manor. Followed almost immediately by a carriage containing Tom, Arthur and Babington. Sidney had tried his best to shake them off. To beg them to return to Sanditon but it was futile. They would support him in his endeavours and as Tom rightly observed, “the guilt is mine brother and so must the remedy be”. Charlotte had dashed to Sidney’s side as soon as she saw him. No amount of chastisement from her parents could stop her. He was the irresistible force and she the immovable object. Nothing and no one would shift her from her path. To say that Mr Heywood greeted the party and Sidney in particular, with hostility, would be an understatement. Had he had his shotgun handy, he would have run them off his land before his daughter had so much as glimpsed this handsome charmer and his escort. However, despite informing Sidney that he wished no conversation with him, he would not leave and begged for a hour of his time, just one hour. Charlotte pleaded with her father, if he loved her as he says, to allow him to speak. Reluctantly and at Mrs Heywood’s request, he agreed. All four men moved towards Mr Heywood’s study. Sidney looked at his brothers and Babington, urging them with his eyes to leave them alone. Mr Heywood spoke, “Gentlemen. I appreciate your concern for your brother and friend. However, this is a conversation that will be had between the two of us. You are not required.” Tom intervened, “Mr Heywood, I understand but you must realise that my brother’s actions in this matter were entirely altruistic. He adores your beloved daughter and never sought to cause her pain.” Babington added, “Believe me Sir, I have watched my friend these long months and years since they have been parted and Sidney has been a broken man without her. Tom is a fool with money.” “Steady on Babington!” “You are Tom! Sidney has made his way in the world. He is a successful businessman. Charlotte would want for nothing. Materially or in affection.” Finally Arthur spoke, “Mr Heywood, my dear brother’s actions may seem capricious and not worthy of a gentleman but they were the actions of a man who loves too much, not too little. He sought to save our family and ease our burdens, by destroying his own happiness and placing an intolerable weight upon himself.” “And my daughter!” Sidney lowered his head in shame, “Yes Sir and the knowledge that he did so has tortured him. You must believe us.” 

Mr Heywood looked at Sidney, “Well. I’ve heard the entreaties of these fellows. Have you nothing to say in your own defence?” Sidney’s voice was breaking with emotion, “Only Sir that I love your daughter.” “You have a strange way of showing it Sir”. “Would you have had me live a life of ease and comfort with Charlotte in the knowledge that my brother would rot in debtors prison!? That his wife would be left dependent upon the charity of family and friends? That his children would see their father incarcerated for the rest of his days and shamed? That our family name would be destroyed? How would you have found £80,000 Mr Heywood!?” Mr Heywood gasped at the magnitude of the debt and looked over to Tom in shock. Sidney was now filled with a passionate rage that had been building in him for too long, unreleased, “You’re a better man than me Mr Heywood! You tell me how you would have found it!? How would you have saved your family?! Perhaps you would have let them go to the wall?! A man like you would have acted like a “gentleman”. You would never have dishonoured yourself! You would never have broken the finest, purest, tenderest, most loving of hearts and denied yourself a happiness you had only ever dreamt of! You wouldn’t have ripped your own heart and soul out and thrown it on the ground for others to tread upon. Sold it for £80,000 at the altar. You wouldn’t find yourself standing here begging a stranger for one last bloody chance to LIVE! To be HAPPY! To be with the woman I LOVE! Only to be portrayed as a cad. A worthless philanderer. A dishonourable and dishonest man. Sir, I accept you do not know me but I would never dishonour your daughter. I adore her. I would give up my life for her. She is EVERYTHING to me. Without her, I am nothing. I once told her I am a good deal less than perfect and that is true but I am now and ever will be my best self and my truest self, when I’m with her. Please. Give me the chance to prove to you, to Mrs Heywood, to Charlotte, that I will love and cherish her all the remaining days of my life. That I will be the man and the husband she deserves and a son you can be proud of. Mr Heywood, if you could walk with me along the path I have travelled, you would understand but that is not possible. I know I am asking a lot from you to give your trust to one you see as untrustworthy and inconsistent. Sir, foolish I have been but never inconstant. Throughout it all I have loved your daughter and I will love her till my last breath.”

Sidney turned away, suddenly embarrassed and frantically wiped away the tears that had fallen from his eyes. Arthur simply stood in awe of his brother with tears flowing freely. Tom shuffled uncomfortably, with more than a hint of abject shame. It was Babington who stepped forward, handkerchief in hand and offered it to Sidney. He placed a hand on his shoulder as he spoke, “Here old friend. Take this. Whatever anyone may think or say of you, you are the finest of men and the truest friend a man could ask for.” Mr Heywood stood in silence for a moment. Then let out a long sigh, “Mr Parker. Mr Sidney Parker that is, mind. Join me in my study Sir. It would seem that we have much to discuss. Gentlemen, I suspect that this will take a while. My wife will feed and water you in the kitchen.” Arthur instantly brightened at the prospect. With that, he led Sidney away and the other three men withdrew. It was to be two hours later before Sidney and Mr Heywood finally re-emerged. 

Charlotte was anxiously pacing the floor in the hallway outside the study. As soon as the door opened and on seeing Sidney, his expression unreadable, she immediately went towards him. She reached for his hands and looked to her father who was equally inscrutable. Slowly, a smile blossomed on Sidney’s face. Mr Heywood spoke first, “I’ll give you two a few minutes. Minutes mind. I’ll expect to see you both in the kitchen presently”. As soon as he was out of sight, Sidney took Charlotte in his arms and kissed her. “My love. My Charlotte. For now you will truly be mine.” “Sidney! Can this be true!?” “It is I assure you. Your Father has agreed to our marriage my darling. I know that he will never agree with or support what I did and I would not expect him to but he understands why I did it and he has at least acquitted me of being a mercenary cad. He also realised just how much I love you and thank God, that my feelings are fully shared by you, my precious angel.” She kissed him passionately and he responded in kind. Looking at him in wonder she whispered, “You will be my husband Sidney Parker.” “...and you will be my wife Charlotte Heywood.” With that he embraced her, lifting her off her feet and spinning her around, to the sound of their delighted laughter. They finally regained their footing to see Mr and Mrs Heywood, Tom, Arthur, Babington and Alison, all smiling affectionately at them. Mr Heywood looked to his wife, “Well. It seems my dear, that you will have a wedding to plan.” 

By the time Lady Susan’s grand Barouche Box pulled by four magnificent greys made made it’s stately progress along the drive the following morning, to the open mouthed astonishment of the Heywood children, the matter was happily resolved and instead of having the anxiety and distress of arguing for her favourite young couple, Susan had the joy and delight of partaking in their celebrations and planning. The Posey Ring was now firmly placed on the third finger of Charlotte’s left hand. It was only a matter of time before it would be joined by a new gold band.

Four Years Later

The sounds of their love making echoed off the walls of their bedchamber. No matter how often they shared in this pleasure and it was often, the ecstasy which they gave to each other, never ceased to amaze them both. To his delight, from their very first coupling, Charlotte had proven a willing and enthusiastic student in these arts and Sidney had thoroughly enjoyed his role as a conscientious teacher. As they lay together sated and exhausted, Charlotte’s head on his chest, her fingers tracing random patterns on his moistened skin, his fingers carding softly, through her hair, she reflected on how much had changed for them. “Sidney?” “Hmm?” “Can you believe it would all turn out in this happy way? That we would be as we are now?” He took a moment to reflect before answering. They had been married now for just over three years. They had waited but six weeks from his annulment until their wedding, in Willingden with their friends and family around them. They were now the proud parents of two young children whom they adored. Their daughter Amelia was two and a perfect miniature version of her mother, with a spirit of adventure equal to both her parents and a dimple cheeked smile which meant that her every wish was indulged by her doting Papa and grandparents and her Mama could forgive her anything. Their son, William, named after Charlotte’s father and known as Will, was eight months old and already bearing an increasing resemblance to his father but with his mother’s eyes. He had an infectious giggle and a beatific smile and was destined to be a heartbreaker. 

The family divided their time between Sanditon and London. Sidney and Charlotte now took much greater involvement in the development of the town and with the interest of Lady Susan and her sway with the Beau Monde, the addition of ornamental gardens, a theatre, open air concerts and a circus, the town was thriving. As he lay in bed with his beloved in his arms, Sidney considered that there was so much in his life now that gave him joy. His life had purpose and meaning and more importantly, it was filled with love. He was not only content but was genuinely happy. He and Charlotte had their occasional moments of disagreement, like any couple but they were few and far between and were soon forgotten, generally with the balm of their intense, mutual passion. They still craved each other. Not only physically but emotionally and were never happier than when by each other’s side. He would have given anything for this chance, to have a wife such as Charlotte. That he had been so blessed, he could still scare believe. Finally, he composed his answer to her question which still hung in the air between them, “There were times my love, when I confess I did not think we would find our way to this happy place. I feared I had lost you forever and we would never know such joy. But somewhere inside there always burned a hope. It never completely died. It was the light in my darkest hours. I try not to question our good fortune. Perhaps there is still a part of me that fears it is all a dream and if I think too hard upon it, it may disappear when I wake. I just try to embrace it and to be worthy of it. Every day. For you, for Amelia and for Will and for any other little Parker’s we might make...or have just made.” He smiled and she looked up at his flushed, contented face. “I love you Sidney Parker.” “I love you too Charlotte Parker. Now, always and forever.” Charlotte found herself reflecting that maybe life is not always about fixing something broken. Maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better. In that, they had both succeeded richly, together.


End file.
